I feel as though I've been deceived somehow. Cheated of something, but I cannot quite place my finger on what it is. I feel as though I've been lead through an academic path my entire life, from the moment I could read until I graduated last spring. And I feel as though I have come to an abrupt, painful halt. A halt that makes me so miserable at times that I don't even know what to do. I can't comprehend it, yet at the same time I know exactly what it is that is causing me misery and grief. And there's nothing I can really do about it. It's just growing pains, the passage from young adolescence into young adulthood. I've looked forward to this point my entire life, and now I hate the very existence of it. I've lost all sense of optimism and hope for a bright future and all I have now is my mundane existence that I am simply trudging through, day in and day out. I wasn't like this before, I swear I wasn't.
I feel as though everyone has been force-fed this notion that you can do anything you want with a little elbow-grease and a little determination. It's really not that easy and I am quickly realizing that now. I don't even think it's that true to be honest. I feel as though you can do anything you want if you are willing to sacrifice a tiny portion of your integrity and soul.
It's liberating in a way to realize that my life is truly mine, that I no longer have these obligations to study hard to make the cost of tuition worthwhile, to go to class because it's money lost/knowledge never learned. But it's so frightening at the same time. I feel as though change is now the enemy. Before, I yearned for change, for life-altering decisions to be made, leaps and bounds in personal growth. Now, I cringe at the possibility of change.
I try to find happiness in the simple things in life but the happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes in a sea of depression and sometimes I don't even feel as though those moments of fleeting happiness are worth it.
I envy the high school girls I see walking to class every day, arms linked together, sharing a muffin or energy drink with each other while gossiping about the latest relationship gone wrong, or a pending test. I envy the small children I see, who are elated at the sight of a balloon tied on their wrist as they bounce around their mothers. I long for a time where everything was simple and moments of sadness were fleeting, not moments of happiness. But this is life. I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I'm sure I won't be this unhappy. Pretty soon the dust will settle and this will simply become the norm for me. A part of me hopes and prays that this isn't the case. I don't want to fucking settle.
