sardonic ramblings

A new beginning...sort of.

2010-11-22T19:35:00.000-08:00

I've decided to chronicle the good and the bad of my life to remind myself of the small, nondescript things that make the days worth it.

GRRR: Am dealing with some passive-aggressiveness bool-sheet that I DO. NOT. WANT.

YAYZ: I've already dealt with this type of asinine behavior before and I have very big balls.

GRRR: Don't have much time left for some very important deadlines coming up for me.

YAYZ: Received two emails over the weekend that I've been waiting for with bated breath.

GRRR: My room looks like Chernobyl and I haven't done anything about it for a week. Or two. Okay, three.

YAYZ: I found my braided belt that goes with everything. It was hiding under my towels.

GRRR: So many things to get done at work before Thanksgiving break!

YAYZ: Food, family and friends await at the end of the week. I can do this!!

2010

2010-10-04T23:36:00.000-07:00

The only constant in life is change. How true this trite and laconic saying is, especially this year. I can certainly attest to the constant ebb and flow of events that unfurled this year, and it just keeps going.

My life now.

2010-08-12T19:38:00.001-07:00

After several years of very deep, profound discontent and malaise, I can honestly say that right now, at this very moment, I am happy.

2010 is one of those years I know that I will remember forever as a year where my life changed drastically for the better. If nothing else, my twenty-fifth year has taught me to always trust my intuition, even when it is telling me to do something that goes against everything I have done in the past. Breaking my old self-forged rules and creating new ones feels so damn good. I feel sure of myself in a way that I never thought possible. It is quite different from the youthful and immature brazenness that I had as a teenager. It's something that I feel at the core of my existence, something that gives me the confidence and faith that I can achieve what I want to with my life, and not in an "Everyone can be an astronaut!" way either.

I am now floating in a sea of blissful contentment. I am happy with me and I wouldn't want it any other way.

The Land Before Time

2010-05-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

As a little girl, I used to be obsessed with dinosaurs. I was a strange little person...with strange interests. As a small girl who wore bright neon yellow shirts with pink and white polka dotted short, courtesy of my relatives in Korea, I wasn't so much into Barbies as I was into eating Playdoh and climbing trees and riding my bike up and down hills. My fascination with dinosaurs, which, according to my dad is actually very common among small children, began when I was five. I really think it was the precursor to my obsession with horses that followed soon after. My obsession with the brontosaurus, which looks like an elongated version of a horse if you think about it, eventually led to my die-hard love for horses and anything equestrian-related.

But this post is not about horses. It is about dinosaurs. Rather, the dinosaurs that still exist in the present.

The dinosaurs that I have encountered in 2010 in a professional environment are the following:

Typewriters. From the early 1980s, possibly 1970s. Used to be gray/white in their prime, now are a dusty grayish yellow. I actually witnessed one of them being repaired one day. Why, WHY, WHY! Just leave it alone to die. Please. Nobody is benefiting by resuscitating a broken typewriter from the land before time.
CRT monitors. So old, that they have the classic fishbowl curve to them. Concave/convex, the hell if I know. All I know is that these give me a level 10 headache if used for too long and that they are given away for free on Craigslist.
Computer-Illiterate People who think that not being able to know how to use a computer is OK when their livelihood is actually based on using the computer to complete their responsibilities.

Thankfully, these dinosaurs no longer haunt my present but it makes me wonder, how many more places are there out there that have stegosauruses and ankylosaurs roaming around, plundering the good earth of its natural resources.

There is much more I could say about modern-day dinosaurs, but I will save it for another day.

I haven't blogged in a very long time, and I quickly skimmed over some of my old entries. It just reaffirms the decisions that I have made in my life recently. It is amazing how the person I used to be and am supposed to be can reappear so quickly. Since I graduated college in 2007, I felt like I didn't know myself and I could feel myself turning into someone that I didn't want to be at all. Today, I can safely say that I am the happiest that I have been in the past three years and it feels amazing. I can't say for certain that anything fortuitous has happened recently, or that my life is perfect now because all of the pieces have fallen into place, it's more of the opposite in that I have just started putting the pieces together but not because anything was broken, but because I am assembling my life into the way I see fit.

My mentality has changed and widened so much and it is a change for the better. Life is nothing without passion and drive, and nothing can be achieved without hard work.

All I know is, that from now on, my life will be done my way.

I Refuse

2008-10-28T21:14:00.000-07:00

I refuse to let it break me down. What's the point? I refuse to waste emotions on something that is not worth my time. I'm learning...

Salvaging the Wreck

2008-10-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

Today was a bit of a struggle for me. I was irritable, moody, and in pain for part of the day at work, and it was a little stressful in the morning. Regardless, I made it through and now I am back at home. The more and more I stay at my job, the more and more I realize that I'm not just satisfied with a bachelor's degree. I need to go back to school. I really do. And part of me has this funny feeling that once I go back, I will stay in academia for a long, long time. I yearn to be challenged again in a way that pushes my brain to its limits. I yearn to be victorious when I work my ass off. I miss the feeling of just "getting it," when "getting it" means grasping a multitude of concepts and applying them to achieve an even higher understanding of something. It's almost like a religion, this education is. For me, academia is very spiritual in that you struggle through something very difficult, such as a text or a concept, and once you are able to grasp it, you reach this nadir where you suddenly see things as they are. I recall as an English major, grasping concepts from obscure deceased philosophers as I pored over the texts and realizing that this was truly a spiritual and knowledge-based awakening in the truest sense. I miss that.

This picture is of the Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles. I thought it was a fitting picture for this post. This is a marvelous place to go if you want to educate yourself (or re-educate yourself) about the solar system, how seasons work, how tides ebb and flow. Although the details are very scientific, I found it to be very poetic in a way. The galaxy as well as the universe is too large for the human mind to fathom. Time is calculated in light-years. We went on a beautiful Sunday morning and I found it to be very peaceful up on top of the hills.

Chronicling My Life

2008-10-13T20:21:00.000-07:00

Inspired by a blogger I know, I've realized that I haven't really taken many pictures of the last few years of my life. I've done so much, yet haven't documented much of it and I do want to remember all of the best years of my life. While I realize this period of my life is quite painful at times, I know that ten, twenty years down the line, I'm going to look back and remember this as the best time of my life. It's a gut feeling I have. So I've made it a priority now to document the beautiful, ugly, unique, stark elements of my life that make it truly my own. Instead of using this blog to mull over the unpleasantries of my my life, I am going to try to turn it into something beautiful. A way to remember that even through the darkest rain, there is at least one element that makes my life beautiful.

I've always had a thing for candles. There's something about the incandescent glow, the way I can stare into the tiny, flickering flame forever. There's something eternally beautiful about a flame. It moves as though it is alive, and even when the flame is still, it still breathes a fiery life of its own. Candles have a soothing affect on my nerves and I remember fondly in high school I would light one up and read for hours on my bed.

In a world where everything is in transit, there is a lovely permanence associated with candles.

Jonesing for Something Else

2008-10-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

Today, my three favorite coworkers and I stepped out for lunch like we do everyday in order to get out of the office and get some fresh air. We went to the Thai place we frequent, right down the street on Wilshire Blvd. and sat down in the tiny, familiar quarter where we already knew what each of us was going to order. The chatter consisted of each of us taking our turn, bitching about the insignificant and meaningless battles we fight every day. Then it became silent. I gazed into my coworkers' faces, all of them, defeated. I realized that was what I looked like every day to them during lunch. I believe that we have all reached the point that even lunch isn't enough solace in order to muster our strength to get through the rest of the day. The pregnant pause between the morning and the afternoon no longer provides us with that skip in our step it once did, when we would saunter up to our building and ride all 25 floors up, jubilant and energized, ready to face the afternoon and the rest of the week.

There was a blank, slack-jawed expression in all of my intelligent and charismatic coworkers and it pulled my spirits down immensely. They don't deserve to feel like this, day in and day out. I can't help but wonder when it will all change for us.

Black Mood

2008-10-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

I like black hair. I like black clothing. I like black shoes. But I do not like black moods, which is unfortunately what I'm in right now. There has to be more to life than just going through the motions. How many times have I read that sentence in every post-adolescent novel/coming-of-age story? It sounds so ridiculously cliche, and nowadays, everything I think seems to be so unfortunately cliche but I find myself wondering what the meaning of my life is every single day. It has be to something more than what I'm doing right now. I feel as though I'm capable of more, but I'm not sure of what. I then ponder if I've just overestimated my abilities for the past 23 years of my life and that maybe this is it. It can't be. If this was it, I would not be this dissatisfied. I can't seem to find a permanent solace from my mental turmoil in anything. It's almost like dealing with the aftermath of a failed relationship. It's always on your mind, following you wherever you go. You can try to drown out the pain and the depression with copious amounts of alcohol, your friends, family, etc. but when you are alone in the silence of your thoughts, sometimes the stark truth of your own shortcomings and failures are just too much to handle.

Life As It Stands

2008-09-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired. My job is turning me into a bitter, ugly, bitch. I hate life as it is right now. There is nothing to look forward to except the fleeting weekends. And where the fuck is the picture uploader cord for my damn digital camera? Everything is so frustrating. I'm lacking in every way imaginable right now.

Saturday Mornings and the Internet

2008-08-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

I revel in the idyllic quiet of Saturday mornings.

That being said, I am now going to focus my attention on the Internet. The Internet, yes, the Internet with a capital "I," has become a central part of my life. To me, the Internet is an-encompassing entity with an infinite amount of knowledge that I use everyday. My relationship with the internet began in 6th grade. My dad, being the tech-savvy individual he is, decided that it was time for us to embark on a journey. The AOL journey. A journey that most of us have been on. My first screen name was Dream927. Or it was something else equally nauseating. I'm pretty sure it was that one, however. I used "Dream" because at that time, in Westlake, Ohio, the GAP scents were very popular. Dream was my favorite one because the icon was a cloud and it just smelled heavenly. So there you go. Dream927. At this point in time, my relationship with the internet was very lighthearted, very unlike the abusive relationship it has now become. But more on that later. I used my cute little pre-adolescent SN to chat with my family friends in other states and that was about it.

Then, I entered that stage in every Asian-American adolescent's life that they are all embarrassed of, that is, if they've actually left it. If you're still in it, you won't feel any shame and that's okay, you shall realize it eventually and weep tears of sorrow. I entered, what is commonly known as, the AZN/KRN phase. Even now, when I look at my pictures, I cringe. What an embarrassing period in my younger teenage years. At this point in time, my relationship with the internet turned into a way to show my AZN/KRN "pride" and to find others who had the same ideological beliefs as me. My SN changed into something mortifying: KiMcHeExbAbE. If you are going to pass judgment on me because of this, then so be it. I didn't want you as a friend anyways. Anyways, at this point in time, I spent a lot more time on the internet, so much, to the point that my dad eventually uninstalled AOL from my computer (but I just reinstalled it while he was at work), he took away the phone cable (I just got one from the garage), he then REMOVED the cable jack from the wall (I just found another one), and then he gave up. As you can see, my relationship with the internet had progressed from "Just Friends" to "In a Serious Relationship." I was in the thick of love with the internet.

Fast-forward a few years to now, I don't feel like delving into my relationship with the Internet during my stint as an undergraduate at UCI. Just know that it consisted of Myspace, Facebook (about 50 times per day), and Lexis-Nexis (very rarely). Oh, and towards, the end, Monster, CareerBuilder, UCI Career Center, and others of that ilk. Nowadays, I am trying to free myself from the destructive binds of the Internet. I'm being melodramatic here, it's not exactly destructive, but it's easy to rely on the Internet for everything when you know there is a wealth of knowledge to be found there. I recently realized how closely of a death grip the Internet had on me when my year-old Toshiba Satellite died. First of all, what a piece of shit, it dies right after the warranty expires. Secondly, what am I to do with all this time after work? I used to come home from work, cook dinner, go online, and go online some more until it was time for bed. And do it all over again. Now, I had this expanse of time from 5:30PM to about 9:30PM where it wasn't filled with webpage after webpage of interesting articles, job searches, etc. At first, I was grieving. Then, I realized my grieving was quite empty. Then came LIBERATION! I had freed myself from the confines of the internet, the shackles had been broken! I began reading again. I actually painted with the paints that I had bought in Santa Monica months ago. I really truly realized what it means to discover yourself. It doesn't mean you sit on your ass and you pore over job board after job board, waiting for that ONE job to call out to you and say "THIS IS YOUR CALLING, CLICK APPLY AND A MYSTICAL FUTURE OF MONEY AND PRESTIGE AWAITS YOU." You do the things you love, and you will slowly (very slowly for me, apparently) come to terms with who you are and what you are meant to be. I'm still in that phase, trying to figure everything out.

I am now going to get off the internet (now with a small "i"), clean my apartment, and enjoy the wonderful weekend that awaits me.

Last Night

2008-07-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a very vivid dream, albeit not very exciting or prophetic in any way, but a dream that reflects my current state of mind. I had a dream that I had to join my friends for a leisurely dinner at a restaurant. I left the table for a few minutes and came back, but to my surprise, the table moved to another section of the restaurant. Their section was on top of a very very tall hill, covered in very tall pine trees. I looked down at my feet and realized I was barefoot and would have to trek up this hill, stepping on branches, pebbles, and what not. I was at the bottom of the hill, looking up at the journey I would have to endure in order to reach the top to join my friends again. I stood next to a large and mighty pine tree and leaned against it, its scratchy bark leaving imprints on my arm. I looked upwards at the hill. It was pretty much vertical, almost like the tree. I began my slow journey up the hill, sliding down about two feet for every three steps I took. It was not easy. But I looked to my left, and realized there was a metal chain link that I could grab that would help me up the hill, much like something mountain-climbers use when scrambling up a mountain-top. I grabbed this chain-link rope and steadied myself against the hill and took one step, two steps, until I scurried up this hill up to the top. There, I found myself alone, with one solitary picnic table on the top. By this point, I had forgotten about the dinner that I was supposed to make it back to and I sat at the picnic table, reflecting on the climb that I just completed and wondered what was next.

I feel as though this dream reflects my current state of mind because everything that I want to accomplish at this point in my life will require arduous sacrifice and I am completely aware of that. I also know that I have a tendency to compare my accomplishments with the accomplishments of others (this tendency, I'm sure, can be attributed to my competitive nature that has pretty much dissipated since my childhood) and become irate/depressed when I do not feel as though I have merited any accomplishments when others have. This, I feel, explains why I was so eager to join my friends again but to me, it is interesting that at the end, I completely forget about the dinner.

This morning, I woke up and I was exhausted, which was rather strange considering the fact that I went to bed at 10:45PM. I really felt as though I had physically climbed that hill last night. I could almost feel the dirt between my toes and the tension in the palms of my hands as I had gripped that metal link rope fiercely as I dug my heels into the hill.

Confused...

2008-06-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

I always mull over the same shit every single damn day of my life. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being confused, I'm tired of being unhappy and I'm tired of feeling like a lost, forlorn failure. I have no exit, however. There is no escape. I can have brief, fleeting moments of happiness that transcend me from my futile, pathetic existence through frequent stops to Pinkberry or 3rd Street or the Beverly Center, but ultimately, those moments don't change anything. I'm such a fucking mediocre person. Mediocre in every sense of the word. Mediocre personality, mediocre grades throughout my academic life, mediocre everything. Mediocre makes me feel like shit.

Balenciaga

2008-06-06T14:56:00.001-07:00

Now this is my idea of a beautiful bag. I'm drooling.

Sharon Stone Needs to Shut the Hell Up

2008-05-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

From "Variety":
"All these earthquakes and stuff happened and I thought, "Is that karma?" When you are not nice, bad things happen to you. I'm not happy about how the Chinese are treating the Tibetans, I don't think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. They're not being very nice to the Dali Lama, who's a good friend of mine," she said.

SHUT THE HELL UP. SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP SHUT UP. You are an actress. You ACT for a living. You pretend to be someone you are not. You "immerse" yourself in a role. Which means, although you may be living in this alter-reality where you believe that you are intelligent and that what comes out of your mouth is valid and logical, sadly, it is not.

Your opinions are as important as my own in the grand scheme of things. Which means they don't matter. Just because your life has been led in the public sphere for decades doesn't mean you are allowed to voice your opinion. In fact, it will only benefit your public image to keep them to yourself.

Everyone else in the world already sees us as obese idiots who have a penchant for ill-placed nationalism and SUVs. This only adds fuel to the fire.

Introspective Reflections

2008-03-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I've been deceived somehow. Cheated of something, but I cannot quite place my finger on what it is. I feel as though I've been lead through an academic path my entire life, from the moment I could read until I graduated last spring. And I feel as though I have come to an abrupt, painful halt. A halt that makes me so miserable at times that I don't even know what to do. I can't comprehend it, yet at the same time I know exactly what it is that is causing me misery and grief. And there's nothing I can really do about it. It's just growing pains, the passage from young adolescence into young adulthood. I've looked forward to this point my entire life, and now I hate the very existence of it. I've lost all sense of optimism and hope for a bright future and all I have now is my mundane existence that I am simply trudging through, day in and day out. I wasn't like this before, I swear I wasn't.

I feel as though everyone has been force-fed this notion that you can do anything you want with a little elbow-grease and a little determination. It's really not that easy and I am quickly realizing that now. I don't even think it's that true to be honest. I feel as though you can do anything you want if you are willing to sacrifice a tiny portion of your integrity and soul.

It's liberating in a way to realize that my life is truly mine, that I no longer have these obligations to study hard to make the cost of tuition worthwhile, to go to class because it's money lost/knowledge never learned. But it's so frightening at the same time. I feel as though change is now the enemy. Before, I yearned for change, for life-altering decisions to be made, leaps and bounds in personal growth. Now, I cringe at the possibility of change.

I try to find happiness in the simple things in life but the happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes in a sea of depression and sometimes I don't even feel as though those moments of fleeting happiness are worth it.

I envy the high school girls I see walking to class every day, arms linked together, sharing a muffin or energy drink with each other while gossiping about the latest relationship gone wrong, or a pending test. I envy the small children I see, who are elated at the sight of a balloon tied on their wrist as they bounce around their mothers. I long for a time where everything was simple and moments of sadness were fleeting, not moments of happiness. But this is life. I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I'm sure I won't be this unhappy. Pretty soon the dust will settle and this will simply become the norm for me. A part of me hopes and prays that this isn't the case. I don't want to fucking settle.

Self-Reflection

2007-12-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

I've been noticing that I am increasingly becoming impatient and easily irritable. I don't know whether it's because I am stressed out, or if it's something more than that. I used to have a very high tolerance for people in general, and could easily befriend those with very different personality types than myself. After all, wasn't that the point of college? Meeting those who come from different places, different backgrounds, and finding something in common? Namely, your friendship and the willingness to see each other's views? Not so much anymore. I've heard that the older you become, the harder it is to make new friends. I think it's true. It's not so easy to accept everyone for who they are, and I'm finding that to be truer with the passing of each day. Personality traits that I once found tolerable and and not even remotely bothersome now annoy the living shit out of me. It's strange, I always thought that as I grew older, I would become more patient. But the opposite seems to be true. I don't know what it is, but I know I'm no longer the tolerant person I used to be. And I don't care. I don't care for false sincerity, the facades we sustain for so long since middle school, high school, college, and beyond. It's become tiresome. I just want those I care deeply for to be near me, and honestly, the number has remained constant for many years. The true friendships I have sustained throughout the years have become so much more rich and meaningful to me as I move to a new chapter of my life.

But damn, what happened to my tolerance, my acceptance of all and everyone? Have I outgrown it? I find it liberating in a sense but I also find it a bit unnerving. It's very difficult to love those who are so different from you. It is my sincere belief that those that come from similar backgrounds just meld well together. There is an unspoken understanding that is present that nobody else can detect.

On another note, my pledge sister and I are going to Burke-Williams on December 22nd because we both have gift certificates that we haven't used since we received them about three years ago because neither of us had anyone to go with! I am really excited.

Blah.

2007-12-09T13:03:00.000-08:00

I know it's time for a vacation when I start to hate everything about my life. I know it's time for a vacation when I'm on the verge of tears when something as inane as the topping on my cupcakes melt and leak over the edge. Or maybe the solution isn't as easy as just a vacation, where my problems are just suspended mid-air as I pretend as though they don't exist for two weeks.

A deluge is near, I can feel it.

Consumerist Whims

2007-11-12T20:24:00.000-08:00

I have had the privilege to embark on a journey that most women find arduous and exhausting but worthwhile at the same time. The urban version of the search for the lost ark. Los Angeles sample sales. I have had the good fortune to go to sample sales that have been chock-full of the best merchandise and come home with oodles and oodles of goodies that I am actually going to use and wear. I will now detail these samples sales for posterity's sake and also to remind myself next year and the year after, that indeed, these samples sales are worth a Saturday morning or afternoon pushing my way through the estrogen clouds in order to find that perfect sweater or delectable pair of shoes.

1. Stila Warehouse Sale. This was actually my first warehouse sale journey, and one that I made with my current roommate not too long after we moved in together. This was the only one that I actually waited in line for. We waited in line for about three hours and were very annoyed/aggravated/irritated by the time we entered the warehouse. But since we didn't know each other too well, we couldn't exactly yell and pout and bitch about it all. We stood in stony silence, staring at the pavement and the neverending line, thinking to ourselves, "HALF THESE GIRLS DON'T EVEN NEED TO BE HERE, THEY OBVIOUSLY DONT KNOW HOW TO PUT ON MAKEUP." Eventually, our self-righteous selves on the verge of ordering pizza while waiting in line at a warehouse sale made it in and we were like children at a candy store, college guys at a strip club. We were ogling EVERYTHING in sight, and taking two, three of the same things for our visceral pleasure. I made it out with pots and pots of eyeshadow, blush, makeup sets for my girlfriends, and TONS of lip glosses. I am a lip gloss FREAK so I am happy to say I have enough lip gloss to last me well into my fifties. I jest, I have enough to last me until next year. Great sale, shitty line. Let's move on.

2. Charles David Warehouse Sale - To be honest, I didn't have very high hopes for this sale. I know every woman LOVES Charles David shoes, in fact, I know several young women who have more than a dozen pairs, actually just one in particular. I'll keep her identity a secret in case she is embarrassed, which she shouldn't be. Every time I've been dragged into the Charles David store at the mall I have NEVER seen anything I liked. I thought the shoes were just too...dowdy. And ugly. And plain. And just BLECK. So when I went to this warehouse sale, I wasn't expecting much. But BOY was I surprised! This was a warehouse sale that was held outdoors, and it reminded me of a safari or a zoo or something that houses wild animals. There were tables and tables of shoes in boxes lined and all you did was go around and pluck the boxes housing the shoes you want. Now, I can attest to the fact that my eyes are always going to be bigger than my stomach (and wallet) so I was grabbing this box and that and before I knew it, I had a tower of boxes that were going to fall over at any given moment. So I sat down and tried them all on. I came out victorious, with four pairs of shoes, at $30. What a steal. I wear all of them to work and I can honestly say that they are the most COMFORTABLE shoes I own. This whole "Charles David shoes are sooo comfy" thing ain't a lie. They are truly comfortable. I can walk down Wilshire with my coworkers without fear that my feet are going to give out from the pain. I can waltz down to Baja Fresh without the fear that the journey back is going to take twice as long because of the pain that I am going to be in. Whee! I will definitely be returning to this sale next year.

3. BCBG Max Azria Warehouse Sale - I didn't have very high hopes for this sale either, partly due to the fact that whenever I went into BCBG, I never saw anything that I liked. I always thought their clothing was a little...not my style...Something was a little off about it. HOWEVER! This warehouse sale is a completely different story, it's not just BCBG but also their Max&Co lines and a whole slew of other lines that BCBG apparently owns. My roommates and I went the first night during the Friends & Family night because of our dear dear friend that works there and there was no waiting in line, just a satisfactory waltzing in, grabbing several large garbage bags, and not knowing where to start. The rows of clothing seemed to go on FOREVER. Eventually, everything started looking the same. I liked how a lot of the clothing was still in the original plastic bags that it arrives in the store in before they unwrap it and put it on the racks. The only problem I saw with this sale was that very delicate knits tended to get snagged before I had a chance to pick out a clean and new one. But I emerged victorious, around ten items (all ranging from work-friendly to going out-friendly) for a mere $185! I looked at the original prices on some of my items that I picked out and some were around $185 for one!

Now I can never buy Stila, Charles David, and BCBG Max Azria at retail EVER AGAIN. Poor me.

Actions vs. Words

2007-08-04T09:30:00.001-07:00

I can't tell the difference anymore. I used to go by the old standard, actions are stronger than words. But are they really? With either one, an individual can either show that he or she cares or doesn't care about what they are doing. And what are words, really? I feel like that so many times, people want to hear a phrase, a word, something so badly but in the end what are they? Just a string of verbs and adjectives put together that don't really amount to much at all. Then why do we want to hear them so badly? I feel like sometimes there is just so much meaning placed behind certain actions and words and we're taught as humans to sacrifice anything and all just to hear them. It's not right. For me, I've realized that neither is stronger than the other. I can still do nice things and say fucked up shit. I can do fucked up shit and say nice things. I realized it doesn't matter. All of these old adages I used to follow are slowly coming undone. You can love someone, but still say fucked up shit to them. You can hate someone but still say the kindest things to them. We're all two-faced jackals. Then what really separates the sincere from the false? I don't know anymore.

Working

2007-07-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

Is a lot better than being broke, that's for damn sure. I started working fairly young, around 13-14 years old and I'm not sure whether it was because I was being ambitious or just plain greedy. I think it was a combination of both. Anyways, I've always had this feeling in the back of my head that I would like the working world way better than going to school. And it's true. I hate school. I don't completely suck at it, but there's just something way more satisfying about going to work, earning money, coming home, and calling it a day. Homework, studying, and all that hoopla just drags on into the nights and weekends and I was never down for that. Not that I did much of that anyways, but you know what I mean. There's just something so satisfying about putting in your time and getting handed that check (or seeing that direct-deposit channeled into a drying/dwindling checking account) and starting the weekend off with a nice full feeling. I've always found the idea of being the breadwinner of the family intriguing. However, if this is the case, my husband would have to compensate more than adequately by being a stunning chef, homemaker, and raiser of our children. I would welcome the simplicity of going to work and doing a damn good job at it, and coming home to a husband who would take care of the cooking, cleaning, and emotional support. Sometimes I really do think I should have been born a guy. Oh well, it's much too late to change that, and plus I like pink and make-up and other frivolous amenities that belong to the fairer sex.

I have a very obstinate personality. My mother likened me to a donkey when I was younger, and she didn't say to hurt my feelings, just to state the obvious truth. You pull me one way, I'll go the other. It's bizarre. I reminisce about my past actions and I don't understand myself at all. In high school I had glorious visions of going to law school and becoming a corporate lawyer. When I came to college, everyone and their mothers wanted to go to law school. I tried studying for the LSATs and realized that no, this isn't what I want to do, at least not right out of undergrad, and the idea that everyone else wanted to go to law school just turned me off as well. And I have no idea why either. Perhaps it's because in three years, the market will be saturated with lawyers (not that it already isn't) but there's just something that repels me from doing what everyone else wants to do, even if it was an original goal of mine from the get-go. Bizarre. And frustrating at times.

I don't think my coworkers will ever read this, but I think the world of some of my coworkers. They are all several years my senior, and all of them have their shit straight and provide the best advice. It's always very candid and honest, and very helpful. They are good people. And good people aren't always so easy to find in the workplace. I am very lucky. Good people in your workplace make a huge difference. I have worked in great workplaces and shitty workplaces and what made shitty workplaces shitty were the people. It doesn't come down to much more than that. Yes, you can have a large cubicle all to yourself with a giant flat screen and all the drawers you want, but if you have a hag-bitch in the workplace, you're fucked.

Alright, enough for tonight. Shower and then Sex in the City time!

L.A.

2007-07-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

There is something absolutely scintillating about the city. In all of its old, worn-down glory, there is a dignity that emerges that I have not seen the likes of in all of my days in Orange County. There is something pure and incredibly unadulterated about everything I drink up through my senses here and I can't describe it in any other way. There are so many things to absorb while driving down the street. At first glance, old auto repair shops, downtrodden beauty parlors that you would never in your right mind ever enter to get your hair or nails done seem trite and not worth your time. But look closer and see the people whose lives center around this city, this place thriving with millions of people. The city is alive. It's beautiful and not in a typical well-manicured landscape with cookie-cutter houses beautiful. It's beautiful in a tragic way, a way that seduces someone like me, someone who has lived in suburbia all of her life. I never thought I would say this, but I am beginning to fall in love with L.A.

At first it was very difficult for me to learn how to drive like a crazy deranged maniac, but I'm getting the hang of it. Driving to and from work doesn't scare the bejeezus out of me like it did in the beginning. Driving in L.A. is really just akin to driving through an obstacle course. A Level 10 obstacle course that requires you to be on the defensive at all times or else you're going to hit someone, get hit, or get honked at incessantly while getting middle fingers all around you.

As far as the people go, I am going to stick to my affirmation that people in L.A. are much nicer than people in Orange County. I probably feel this way because I don't venture into Beverly Hills or Hollywood, where DD-boobs run rampant and so do inflated egos. The people I interact with are all very down to earth. None of this high-and-mighty bullshit, especially at the convenience store or the gym. It's refreshing and honestly, my view of people has changed since moving out here.

I have so much to dwell on, so much more to write about, but I will have to save that for another time. It's Sex and the City time.